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Any adult kids out there that feel emotionally damaged from parents using 'guilt trip',manipulations on them?

ekikaseven started this conversation
Jul 14, 2010

I wish to know if there are adult children out there who feel like they are emotionally or spiritually damaged from parents using 'guilt trips' on them.

Of course,the children loves their parents dearly & feel like they would die if something happen to them.
This is not an issue.

Would really like to know

 

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ekikaseven
Sep 18, 2011
 in response to soakedinoregon...   Amen.
reply to ekikaseven
soakedinoregon
Sep 18, 2011
When you finally come to realize that you have been a victim of guilt trips you can stand up for yourself in a firm, angry, positive way. Don't allow it. Call them on it and when they say something hurtful say, "That was mean". You don't have to put up with it. It's their problem and their goal is to keep you hurting or depressed. Don't allow it!
reply to soakedinoregon
ekikaseven
Sep 14, 2011

 in response to kaka1999...   You truly have my sympathy.
Usually, its the mother who saturates us with the guilt trip & throws temper tantrums. But, some men behave that way too.

Its obvious that your dad has never growned up. If you are tired of being more like the 'parent' in the relationship, then help dad 'grow up'. I speak from experience-you can 'hint' around to parents or even talk to them about the issues until you are blue in the face & things will not change much.

Some people only learn from being 'showed'.
When dear old dad start using the guilt trip, having temper tantrums,gripin,etc- let dad know that "oops, I got to go & do such & such, so bye-bye".
Do this EVERY single time he displays, says any undesireable behavior.

Do NOT allow yourself to ACCEPT any guilt trips. When you hear them whether from him, someone else, or from the constant reminders that we 'replay in our minds', then say out loud "guilt trips, RETURN TO SENDER".

If you are at an 'event' & dad acts an idiot, then leave dad right where he's act and go on to converse with someone else at the event. Totally 'ignore dad'.
If dad rode with you, offer to call him a cab home!!!!
He will fuss anyway. So, don't worry about it. Let him know that he can fuss all he like, but you are middle-aged now & can't let that behavior to continue affect your health.

Above all-STAND YOUR GROUND.

He will eventually come to know the error of his ways.
The Lord let me know that I was 'getting in the way' of Him teaching others & transforming their behaviors.
We think that we are doing the other person a favor by 'helping them' when we are actually doing nothing but getting in God's way & keeping the person from 'learning the lesson' God is trying to teach them!!!
I had to get out of God's way. And God has shown the parent the error of their ways, has changed their behavior & things are great now. God DID change things. It took me years to learn to get out the way. But, when I did, God did a miracle.

If you need to talk just message me.

I understand your tribulations. Know that things can get better.

reply to ekikaseven
kaka1999
Sep 14, 2011
 in response to Jaja07...   My dad is so awful. I can't even begin to tell you how how horrible he has made my life since my parent's divorced when I was nine. I am now 45 and he is starting in on my kids and I just cannot allow it. I can't believe I grew up thinking it was normal to feel so much shame and hurt and responsibility for a parent's happiness. Me and my siblings have just started standing up to his bullying ways in recent years and its sad because he refuses to see a doctor for his obvious tremors and neurological failings. He has no friends because he alienates everyone he has contact with, so his whole life his happiness (or lack thereof) has fallen on our shoulders. Now he is old, bitter, and alone and of course, it is our fault for not doing enough for him though we have done more for him than anyone other person I've known has done for a parent, to the point of damaging our own marriages. And this, even though he was a "Sunday to the movies" only parent for the first ten years of our parents divorce. I am just trying my best to make peace with who he is and what our relationship is before he goes so the hurt will not destroy me. Every funeral, wedding, Christmas, Valentine's day, mother's day, father's day, birthday was EVER about that occassion. It has ALWAYs been about how Dad will react. Will he through a fit, be pouty, who's going to fawn over him so he doesn't get upset, etc....? It's ridiculous but it's how we grew up. Fortunately, it has made us all better people, spouses, and parents.
reply to kaka1999
ekikaseven
May 30, 2011
 in response to Bee's Knees...   That is so true.

Have a great day.
reply to ekikaseven
Bee's Knees
May 30, 2011
 in response to ekikaseven...   Yeah, I am sure my parents did the best they knew how. However, as their own parents never tried to control them after they were grown, I'm not sure where they got doing that to their own children. At any rate, I have forgiven them. I have no room in my life for bitterness. Everyone is accountable for their own actions, but the one they have to answer to is God, not me. I have learned, though, that the old quote, "forgive and forget" is no good. I used to think if I truly forgave, I had to forget and put the person who hurt me right back into their former position of trust in my life, but I have learned that is one more thing I was taught wrong. You learn from it, forgive, and move forward, wiser. You cannot control what other people do, but you can control who you allow into your own life.
reply to Bee's Knees
ekikaseven
May 29, 2011
 in response to Bee's Knees...   Aww...

I'm sorry that you had to go through that.
I have learned that parents who do this are merely doing the way that they were taught. This is the case within my own family.
As a child, when we are 'taught' something it becomes so imbedded within us that it becomes a part of our conscious.
We have a tendency to 'hear' those teachings even when we are older. We 'hear' or think them when there is no one around telling us anything. And, we feel guilty. This is worse when we have been instilled with such things & told its based on religion.
As we mature & read the bible for ourselves, we come to understand that some of the things we were taught have been 'misunderstood' by parents & 'misrepresented' to us.
We realize life is hard & parents do their best.
We just have to unravel some of the 'junk' thats has been placed within us based on misunderstanding of the word of G-d by our parents & their parents.
Its written that 'we perish from lack of knowledge'.
Knowledge is not always easy to understand.
What has helped me is to write down each thing or feeling individually that has cause me distress. Then going to the L-rd & giving Him each of these items individually. I had to say these things 'out loud' to G-d & Him to take these away from me.
You would be suprise how much freedom I got from this. It didn't happened at the moment I prayed but one day it was like I looked up & didn't have those issues anymore. It was very liberating.
Pray for your parents. I know at times that may seem hard. But, they know NOT what they do. These things are so ingrained in them that its part of them. Its just natural, nothing that they deliberately think about to cause harm.
I will say a prayer for you.

Let me know how things go for you.
reply to ekikaseven
Bee's Knees
May 29, 2011
 in response to blahblahblah...   I can relate with everything you said. Thanks for sharing. You helped me realize some things about myself that I didn't even get. I used to think my personality was just because I am made that way, but I see what you are saying and I believe now that much of it stems from being raised in a very similar way.
reply to Bee's Knees
Bee's Knees
May 29, 2011
 in response to ekikaseven...   Great advice. Very good. I am learning those things too. It isn't easy to wrap my mind around, because it is so deeply imbedded inside of me and it comes naturally after so long. I sometimes feel like one of those poor Amish kids who left the community. Even though they know it is for the best, they always feel guilty. That guilt is false and I reject it.
reply to Bee's Knees
Bee's Knees
May 29, 2011
That is a big, fat yes for me! My parents have gone to unbelievable lengths in their efforts of continuous control over me.
reply to Bee's Knees
ekikaseven
May 26, 2011
 in response to blahblahblah...   Aww..sweetie,

I so.. understand the way you are feeling.
I'm older than you & trust me you will change. We get more wisdom as we get older.
I am still learning & having "light bulb" moments of realizations.

Its within the past year that I have come to realize that " I do not have to be perfect". I was not made to be perfect. And,its oaky NOT to be perfect.
Its also okay not to please others. I found out that God made each of us different because He likes diversity of people. As long as we are not sinning, He is all for variety. Its mankind that are intolerant of this.
I learned its okay to be 'me' and not a cookie cutter of other people or be what they think I should be.
I understand about being in a marriage where husband tries to manipulate you. At times, I have told my husband that you act like my mother. LOL
Writing down your feelings will give you some relief.
Try not to keep those feelings in.
Vent them.
If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to contact me.

Best wishes
reply to ekikaseven
blahblahblah
May 26, 2011
I was basically raised using guilt trips. My parents were the master manipulators. It's awful. I catch myself doing this to my kids, and when I try to stop, I end up shutting myself off emotionally to them at all. I also entered a marriage in which my husband manipulates me in the same way. I emotionally and mentally cannot handle it. It causes me to slip into a very deep depression and become a complete sociopath. I hold everything inside. When I try to resist the manipulation, I end up flipping out because I don't know how to express emotions anymore. I also wasn't really allowed to cry, so now I can't cry. Hmmmm....what else? Oh, I am absolutely terrified of being wrong. All of my mistakes were blatantly pointed out to me as a child in a shameful manner, so now I am afraid to make a mistake at all. This causes me to NOT make decisions because I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision. It's easier NOT to make a decision than make the wrong one. Oh, and I'm constantly apologizing for everything. I feel deep remorse when I do something to offend someone. I hate fighting. I will do anything I can, including accept guilt, in order to avoid an argument. I will allow people to blame me instead of each other just to avoid an argument. I'm 30 with 3 kids....don't think I'm going to change. I do, however, try to parent my children differently. I try to reason with them instead of manipulating them. I allow them to make mistakes and learn from them and just be kids. My daughter is a free spirit, and although she is a handful, I'm going to continue to allow her to be like that. She's happy. I want her to be happy and strong....unlike me.
reply to blahblahblah
ekikaseven
Apr 18, 2011
 in response to imaginelennon...   Oh sweetie,

I am so sorry that you are having to go through that.
We have to live our own lives. For just like you have experienced with your brother-in-law passing, kids don't always outlive the parents. Kudos for you & your hubby for standing up & doing dinners in your home.
Just think, when your in-laws are in a nursing home -they will expect you to come to the nursing home & have dinner with them!! LOL
Remember, if they give you the 'cold shoulder' in your home- they are not the only ones with a 'shoulder that can be cold'. Your hubby & you may all of a sudden feel a breeze when you're at their house (if you know what I mean).

Wishing you the best.
reply to ekikaseven
imaginelennon
Apr 18, 2011
My husband has been a big victim of his parents' guilt trips. We finally decided to start having holiday dinners at our home (which they are invited to) but they give us the cold shoulder and think we are being unreasonable. We are nearly 50! and should be able to have holiday dinners in our own home! Once they said "You can have dinners in your home when we are in a nursing home." They said that ten years ago. They are in their 80s and still live independently. One of my dh's siblings has passed on, having never had a holiday in his own home. How sad. And yes, I do love my in-laws but they really have a good way of laying guilt trips on my dh.
reply to imaginelennon
Anonymous
Jan 17, 2011
 in response to nini3...   Hi Nini,
I think alot of people are very conscious of how they parent. Either they try to do the opposite how they were raised, or they go the other way and try to emulate the parenting depending on if their childhood was positive or negative. I think for me, I always tried hard and still do try to not mimick my mothers behaviors. She did not initially want children and this is because she was abused so she thought she would mess us up therefore she limited her interactions with us. We saw this as rejection and therefore were very needy emotionally. My father over compensated and that is what I now base my parenting on, trying to be super-conscious of me and my husbands reactions towards the kids, our attitudes, our punishments etc. It can be a hard balance because my husband feels children do not have choices and should do what they are asked, and I feel there are times when giving them a choice lifts them up and elevates their self worth. Basically, I deal with my kids on three levels
#1 non negotiating-these are areas that I dont budge on"you will not curse, play with fire, run in the street or stay out all night"
#2 negotiating- these areas I am willing to be swayed on if they can convince me" If I do my homework later on, I can get my outside chores done before it rains" ok , what does it matter as long as it gets done, that makes sense.
#3 give up the power-these choices I let my kids make in order to improve their self esteem and decision making and feel they have a say so in their lives. "Im going to wear my (really ridicuous) red lipstick to the family dinner." who cares? do I want to fight with a teenager over this? No, if she gets to make these kinds of choices that may keep her from trying drugs or drinking to establish that she has a voice and can make her own choices good or bad.
I hope by letting them make the choices and negotiating on other areas, that Im allowing them a little control over things that dont matter all that much, so when they are able to make their own decisions they will be not be so damaged by my constant control over knowing whats best for them, and perhaps being wrong about it and having them carry that into adulthood.
I think the way you describe your parenting is so true and I can relate to it, you just need to constantly reassure them that you love them, to the best of your ability. If your son can say you are a good mom, then you have done your job well.I think depending on which of my kids you ask, 3 out of 4 would agree Im a good mom and I have always given them my all but Im not perfect, but I love them unconditionally and thats all we can do.
I too made rash decisions and compromised my future by marrying someone who didnt love me or respect our marriage, but it taught me alot, it produced my children who I love to death, and it made me realize I had to stop making bad choices due to what I experienced as normal in childhood. If you are raised in madness, then you tend to gravitate towards it unless you consciously make a change and decision to do the opposite. I think learning those kinds of lessons were a blessing in disguise to both of us as we were able to hopefullly pass them on to our children and keep them from experiencing some of the same pain.
blessings to you
char
reply to Anonymous
Anonymous
Jan 17, 2011
 in response to nini3...   Nini,
I think its important to address the issue of the guilt trips parents pull on kids because you can carry around the guilt the rest of your life and make decisions based on that guilt instead of doing what you could and should be doing. Many parents dont understand the power they have over their children and how permanent some of the damage they inflict will be. I think its amazing how you have healed with your dad and moved on and forgiven him. I had to do the same thing with my mom and dad because they left us in a group home for years and we were abused. I think once a person can say they are sorry and you know its sincere you have the chance to forgive them and let go of your hurt..as for your mom, she may never admit her role in what happened but at least you have some peace in knowing you are a better parent for being aware of what we can do to our kids and trying not to cause them pain. All of my childhood memories are mostly bad but that just motivates me to make my babies memories awesome! thank you or sharing such a painful story because it shows the power of forgiveness.
be blessed
char
reply to Anonymous
Anonymous
Oct 20, 2010
 in response to ekikaseven...   

I agree with Ekika.. parents are great with guilt trips.. the problem is parenting is not conditional, you either are or are not a parent. It doesn't necessarily make someone a good parent, though. In defense of parents though, I do have to say that sometimes they can see things more clearly than kids can. However, one thing you said , caught my eye.

"they would stop talking to me and even drove me to the emergency ward"

Now I'm not sure what you mean by this, but it does concern me. Parents who are too controlling, either through money or abuse, are going to do everything they can to get you to do what THEY want. I would suggest you speak to a counselor if this is what you are facing or if you are underage.

If you are 21 or over, you have to make a choice. Do you need to rely on your parents for money? or are you ready to walk away from them and the money? If you want the money, you're gonna have to suck it up and tolerate their behavior. If you are completely disgusted and can live the rest of your life with out them and any financial support from them - then you can walk away. Neither choice is perfect - but it seems to me that you are presented with an "all or nothing" situation and you have to make an "all or nothing" choice. It doesn't mean it has to be made right this second - but it does give you something to think about.

reply to Anonymous
ekikaseven
Oct 20, 2010
 in response to Jaja07...   Its hard when one is made to feel guilty. And, no one can make a person feel guilty like a parent. Mothers are really good at this. Of course, I hear some Dads are good at this too.

If we accept financial help from others, we have to put up with their mouthing off.

I wish you the best of luck. And, my heart goes out to you.
reply to ekikaseven
Jaja07
Oct 19, 2010

Hi, I've been guilt tripped by my parents my whole life basically. I'm 26 years old now and I've recently moved countries to live with my fiance and when I was leaving my parents basically refused to say good bye and since I've told them that I'm leaving have made me feel very bad about the whole situation. I love my parents dearly but they are not very understanding people. You cannot talk to them because they are always right. Even when I was younger and when I would date boys that they didn't like or agree with they would stop talking to me and even drove me to the emergency ward but that didn't help them realise what they were doing to me either. They have always been there for me financially but I just can't deal with their emotional guilt tripping anymore and don't know what to do about it.

reply to Jaja07